Convo-Tip #2: Ask a deep question… twice

Question the answers (Photo: walknboston)

Deep conversations are rarely the result of a single question. One question might reframe the conversation, but it usually takes more to actually open the deep end.

So here’s a tip I learned from listening to interviews…

Ask a question. Listen intently as your friend responds. When that train of thought dies down, ask the same question again.

You can “ask and repeat” a couple ways…

1. You can ask the same question twice but emphasize it differently the second time. For example, you might say, “So, how’ve you been lately?” and then the second time say, “But how’ve YOU been lately?”

Or…

2. You can rephrase the question the second time you ask. So the first might be, “What’s God been showing you in your life?” and the second could be, “So what was it God really revealed?”

In either case, the first and second questions are similar, though perhaps not exactly the same, but by repeating them, you encourage your friend to dig deeper to explain further. This can turn even the most casual question into a deeper conversation topic.

Warning: Don’t make your friend feel like a liar

When you ask the same question or a similar question twice, you’re almost implying that your friend didn’t tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth the first time.

To get around that impression, especially if you sense more than a little resistance the second time you ask, you might need to explain why you’re repeating yourself. Say you want to flesh out the response because you really want to learn more.

Repeating the question will always cause some tension because you’re purposely pushing the conversation deeper, but the payoff is huge if you can keep with it even a little past your usual comfort level. After all, anytime you push boundaries, you’ll experience some discomfort… but that’s what growing is all about, and that’s where the real rewards are.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) In a conversation today, ask your friend a question and listen to the full response.

(2) Once the response is over, repeat or rephrase the question again to take the topic even deeper.