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Giving your life to Christ includes trusting Him to take care of your life. And part of that includes becoming vulnerable to others. Fully trusting God means trusting friends when God wants us to… even when we don’t want to.
Over the past year or so, I’ve struggled with this more than any other year. I say I forgive, but I don’t start trusting immediately (if ever). Do you do that too?
Cautiousness is often wise, despite its negative reputation. But in relationships with other people, I think we need to learn to trust, not become more cautious. Even when we trust and get hurt as a result, it’s still the best choice in most cases.
So I’m trying to develop more trust in my friends. Without trust, relationships don’t work.
Pinpoint why you don’t trust your friend
In some situations, this can be pretty easy. In others, not so much. One of the first steps when you find yourself leery of others is to pinpoint who exactly you don’t trust.
1. Is it general distrust?
Are you skeptical of everyone (or at least most people)? If this is the case, you probably have some fundamental beliefs that are causing this lack of trust.
These beliefs, though, are usually rooted in specific events that led to the overall belief. You might have tried trusting a couple people, and they failed you. You formed a belief from this that everyone’s untrustworthy.
It could even seem (or be) logical. How many times in a row would you have to touch a hot stove to start believing that all of them are hot all the time? After a dozen tries, I’d say it would be reasonable to assume that.
2. Is it specific distrust?
Do you not trust a specific person? This is more the case for me. I’ve lost trust in a few people in my life. This doesn’t seem quite as bad as general distrust (and perhaps it’s not). But it can lead to other problems.
One that I’ve noticed in particular is that if I don’t confront these specific issues and learn to trust again, I can easily develop an escapist attitude. Like, Oh well, I’ll just make other friends since that one’s not working out. And that doesn’t lead anywhere good.
It’s not something to shrug off.
The nice (I guess) part about specific distrust is that usually it’s easier to pinpoint why you don’t trust this person. It’s usually because of a certain event or series of events.
From there, it just a matter of finding what exactly triggered the distrust. Certainly it’s not the whole event. Perhaps it’s how your friend reacted to it, the tone of her voice, the look in his eye. Try to get as specific as possible.
Write a letter of (very specific) complaint
One practical tool that seems to help me is to write a letter to this friend explaining why I’ve lost trust. You don’t necessarily have to send the letter. In fact, it’s probably better that you don’t with your first draft, though some kind of letter writing would almost certainly help the situation.
Getting down to the minute details helps establish, at least in your mind, why the distrust exists. Knowing goes a long way.
Accept that your friend will fail you
This is the hardest part for me. It’s like lifting weights: I know it’s going to hurt the next day, but I’m doing it anyway to get stronger. (Actually, I’m not lifting weights, but you get the idea.)
Our culture, which is a culmination of our individual desires, conditions us to seek independence. As a result, we guard against trusting anyone who’s going to fail us. Supposedly, it’s a survival skill. We’re fine with people failing – everyone fails – but they sure better not fail us. At the first hint of someone failing us, distrust kicks in.
That’s not exactly the way God wants us to behave. Instead He wants us to trust Him through others. God can and will care for us through people t00. Even when they fail, God won’t (I’ll talk more about this in a moment).
I know I personally don’t go into friendships thinking they’re going to fail. That’s the last thing on my mind. If it is on my mind, I usually don’t make those friends.
But to become a true servant to others, you and I have to switch into that mode. We have to start off assuming – knowing even – that friends will fail, and we’ll have to pick up the pieces and learn to trust again.
Taking the initiative to prepare for failure is a must. It’s much more difficult to try to develop this after the mistakes have already been made, as I’m trying to do now.
Prepare to forgive without receiving an apology
Accepting failure in your friends and being okay with it is tough stuff. It starts with forgiving even when you never hear that apology or never see that repentance.
You can pull this off by committing ahead of time to forgive no matter what happens. Forgiveness is still a long way from trusting, but that trust will never come if your forgiveness isn’t already in place.
Realize you’re not just trusting your friend
You’re trusting God to care for you with your friend or despite your friend. Either way, you’re really placing your trust in God, not your friend.
You’re saying, “God, I don’t think this person is trustworthy – I think trusting this person could ruin ruin my life. But, because I trust you, Lord, I will become vulnerable to this person.”
You might even add Job’s prayer:
“Remember, I pray, that you have made me like clay…” -Job 10:8
Throughout the Bible, we’re always told to trust God, trust God, trust God. There are few places where the Bible tells us to place our trust in others. (One notable exception: the heart of the husband safely trusts the Proverbs 31 woman.)
Without exception, when God wants us to trust others, to submit to them, it’s always trust through them. All the planning in heaven or earth won’t let you build trust in your friends if it’s not first based on trust in God. If God isn’t the foundation, then yes, trusting anyone is stupid… because friends will fail you. That’s a given.
Often we lose trust in others because we stop trusting God. We start to doubt that He’ll take care of us through anything… including the craziness of friends.
So again, building that trust in God means continuing in prayer, reading and understanding God’s Word, and fellowshipping with other believers – all the normal stuff you and I know but forget to do.
You and I don’t trust others because it’ll benefit us – we trust them because it’s an extension of trusting God.
In this sense, here’s something else to consider: trust reveals your character more than the character of the person you’re trusting. That’s part of why God teaches us to trust others. The other part is that trusting others serves them instead of you and I.
Serving Suggestions:
(1) Who do you not trust? More than one person? Okay, pick just one. Consider re-reading this article with that one person in mind. What could you do to start trusting this friend?
(2) Now go do it. I say this all the time, but it’s because most of the time – at least for me – I love to plan and talk but never dive into the trenches. Don’t let that happen to you. Start trusting your friend. Become vulnerable.
(3) Finally, what have you learned about trusting your friends? How do you do it? How do you do it when you don’t want to?
Twitter Updates
I have definitely found this to be true. You hear people say I trust God, but not people. But how does that work? The Bible calls us the body of Christ, formed together of different parts. If we don’t trust anyone else, how are we fully connected? I know we’ll get hurt and it’s not easy, but it’s a walk of faith and we trust God that the people in our lives are there for a purpose. We can love and trust them BECAUSE we trust God. Thanks!
I love your reference to the body of Christ. I actually mentioned something about this in a talk I once gave about encouragement. For example for rock climber, if the foot doesn’t trust the hand to hold on, the foot’s not going to make any progress… and neither is the rest of the body.
We are one – we’re in this together.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
“Prepare to forgive without receiving an apology”
although it’s probably a good thing. I don’t trust from the get go. You have to earn it, for some it’s easier than others. Once you’ve let me down you have to earn it back, in some way. Is it the most Christian thing? Absolutely not. But I’m not perfect.
Way to make me feel like a bad person
Yes, I certainly know what you mean. It’s like Peter asking Jesus how many times he was supposed to forgive: “Seven times?” And of course the response was, “70 x 7.”
Even after one or two or three failures, I’m like, “That’s it. Strike three – you’re out! Time for you to give a little to this to make it right.” It’s really difficult. God made Eve to help Adam, but sometime I wonder if the “help” really comes in the form of constant annoyance and dread that forces us to depend on God. Not what I would like, but now that I think about it, it seems totally consistent with how God works.
None of us are perfect, but God is.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
“I wonder if the “help” really comes in the form of constant annoyance and dread that forces us to depend on God.”
I don’t think I could’ve said it better myself, in fact I know I couldn’t. That’s a divine statement right there.
Thanks, Sarah – if that’s really the case (and I hope it is), then it certainly wasn’t me who came up with it. :>)
-Marshall Jones Jr.
Hey Marshall,
First off, I just stumbled onto your blog from the most recent comment you left on The Art of NonConformity. I noticed your blog name, and had to investigate if it was about what I thought it might be (it was).
Safe to say, I loved it instantly, and will definitely be back. (You’re now in my twitter stream, and reader).
Specifically regarding this post: I love that you pointed to the trust we place is not in others but in God.
When that trust is correctly in place, it doesn’t matter if our friends fail us, because we know A) God is in control & B) It’s but only a chance to display the same love/forgiveness/mercy Jesus portrayed in His life, and God gives to us.
Amen, brother. Keep writing.
-Chase
The Drift
Thanks so much, Chase. You probably already know this, but that’s one of the best compliments a blogger can receive. It’s a pleasure to have you here.
About trusting, yeah, I think that’s totally it… we don’t trust others because we forget why we’re supposed to trust them. We suddenly (or perhaps not so suddenly) get all selfish when it comes to trusting other people instead of remembering that it’s all about serving them.
You and I know this stuff – we just forget it.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
This is good.
Thanks, Mandy. Are you going by Mandy more now?
-Marshall Jones Jr.
I have been friends with someone for years almost 20 and she seemed near perfect.to me. I’ve always been the one with all drama issues and I’ve always been really open with her. She’s quiet unlike me and never talked about any problems and I mean never. I started thinking she never had them and with our lives being so different I thought this possible. But last year she told me for years she’d competed with me that’s why she hadn’t told me any of her issues. Suddenly loads of things made sense when I had spiritual battles, marital issues etc she could even
Bare resonance with she kept silent, also advice she had given was swayed by her competitiveness. Now I find myself talking to her then wishing I hadn’t wondering what she’s thinking etc its different I never had a bad thought really about her before and she was next in line after Jesus to be honest but now I still feel she’s the same although she tells me more she’s careful and doesn’t want to be viewed in bad light and I feel when she’s open its just to have balance so she doesn’t seem like she hasn’t changed. What do I really do I know I have to pray about this and we work together so its harder as we should have trust
Yes, it is very tricky, especially since you didn’t see it coming – it makes you wonder when you can trust her.
As you said, staying in prayer and, specifically, praying with you friend is wonderful. God loves to work through that closeness.
I think it’s important that you keep in perspective the reason you trust anyone. Most of the time, we want to trust people just so we’ll get something out of it, so we won’t get ripped off. But I think as Christians, our role is to trust them for their sake, trust them so the overall relationship will stay strong and continue to grow stronger.
It’s certainly not easy – it’s a matter of focusing on trusting God and leaving the circumstances in His hands to work through your friend even when your friend might not deserve the trust.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man’s countenance sharpens the countenance of the other.” Just working through this together will go a long way.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
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Thanks but I haven’t really told her I don’t trust her I just generalise I.e I don’t really trust anyone. Thinks she kind of realises but its causing me to have thoughts that aren’t nice and I kind of think she’s fake now. As you said I really have to be with God as the one time I did kind of tell her she doesn’t tell me anything she was defensive and said I’m throwing her confession in her face.
I see then. I think most of it will just take patience. It takes a long time to build trust, but the more you talk with this person about it, particularly with why you have trouble trusting people, the more your friend will let down her guard.
It’s a bit of a trade-off really. She’s not going to let down her guard with you until you let down your guard with her. Someone – probably you – has to go first.
In practical terms, that means you have to be willing to reveal things about yourself that will make you feel uncomfortable when you talk with her. You have to be willing to share your insecurities with her and with people in general. Otherwise, she’s not going to trust your motives, and she’s not going to help you trust her again – she’s going to stay defensive.
-Marshall Jones Jr.
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I JUST BROKE UP WITH MY BOYFRIEND BECUSE HE WAS LIEING TO ME AND MY FRIEND TOLD ME ABOUT THIS AND AFTER FIGERING OUT THE TRUTH IT WAS GOOD TO TRUST MY GOOD FRIEND REBECCA.WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH ALOT ABOUT TRUSTING EACH ORTHER BUT WE WORK IT OUT AND WE ARE TRUSTING FRIENDS I AM SO GLAD THAT SHE WAS THERE FOR ME WE WORKED IT OUT AND IT TURNS OUT THAT MY EX IS A LIEING CHEATING MOFO AND I HATE HIS GUTS HE IS GAY RETARDED STUPID AND GAY AND A DOFUS AND ALOT OF WORDS THAT I CANT SAY BUT WE CAN HONESTLY SAY WE ARE TRUE FRIENDS AND WE TRUST EACH OTHER AND MY FRIEND WILL KILL HIM IF HE TRIES TO HURT HER HE IS GONNA WISH HE NEVER EVEN NEW HER I HATE HIS GUTS AND HIS NAME IS DAN WILSON AND HIS GUTS ARE SLIMY AND YUCKEY AND HE BETTER NOT CALL OR TXT ME AGAIN OR ME AND MY FRIEND WILL KILL HIM
THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME GET MY FEELINGS OUT