Spotting manipulation – 7 red flags

(Photo: cogdogblog

It’s tough being a slave, you know.

People don’t really trust you at first. After all, who actually serves others without some sketchy motive? Once they realize you’re legit, though, they start taking advantage of you.

Ah, sweet, they think. These people actually do serve others. I’ve always wanted a slave.

And so the process goes… until at some point, you’re like, This is insane. Certainly not what I signed up for. This isn’t about love. I’m just doing this ’cause I have to now. I really am their slave.

Bam!

A red flag should automatically shoot up for you. Being a bondChristian isn’t about servitude. It’s about choosing to serve God and – by extension – choosing to serve others.

Let’s run through a couple of these red flags, signals that should alert you to situations where manipulation might – just might – be trying to sneak in.

1. Concealing the truth

The difference between manipulation and influence is deception. Influencers move you by revealing truth. Manipulators move you by concealing truth.

Both have motives – influencers are probably even clearer on theirs than their manipulative counterparts. The difference is what each does to achieve their goals.

So if you run across someone who’s concealing truth, whether that’s through outright lying or just not sharing all the relevant info, you might be spotting manipulation.

2. Limiting your options

This is a close cousin to concealing the truth. Manipulators love limiting your options. It’s a subtler form, but still deception. When you’re in this situation, you feel forced, like you’re having to make a complex decision with oversimplified choices.

  • Example: “We either need to vote for [INSERT GIVEN CANDIDATE] or leave the political arena altogether.”

Reminds me of the question for Jesus about paying taxes to Ceasar or not. Red flag. That’s manipulation.

3. Scaring you

Fear is the father of manipulation, the bully of the bunch. It’s straight up intimidation, and it works two ways:

  1. Scare you with what they can do
  2. Scare you with what might happen
  • Example: “If you don’t apologize, I’ll leave the church… right after I tell everyone else about it.”

In this example, the first part about them leaving the church and telling everyone else, that’s them scaring you with what they can do. The second part, the implication that others might leave or also get upset if they find out, that’s them scaring you with what might happen.

It seems pretty obvious when I put it like that, doesn’t it? But when it actually happens, even though it’s aggressive, it’s still super easy to miss.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.” -1 John 4:18

4. Making you feel bad

This is the passive aggressive approach. They seem so pathetic that you feel guilty for not helping. As Gayle Erwin says, “You know you’re dealing with manipulators when you hate yourself for letting them do this to you.”

  • Example: “Aren’t Christians supposed to help others? Then why aren’t you helping me when I’m in need?” [Implied: You’re not really a {good} Christian.]

Serving is a response, not a requirement. Spotting manipulation means watching for people who point out requirements.

“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” -Romans 8:1

5. Making you feel good

“For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple.” -Romans 16:18

Just this past week, someone in need said they’d noticed my natural leadership skills and charismatic personality. And of course, I’m thinking, You know what? He’s probably just flattering me, but he’s right. I do have some leadership skills. I am charismatic.

That’s the danger. We’re usually pretty good about noting the difference between genuine compliments and compliments with strings attached. The problem is that even when we notice, we like going along with it because it makes us feel better.

This doesn’t mean we should discount every kind word we hear. It just means our flags should go up, and we should try to understand the motivation behind it. (By the way, if it’s a sincere motivation, it’s a good idea to study it anyway – you can’t lose here.) :)

6. Not growing or progressing

You know those guys on the street corners, the ones with the cardboard signs asking for money? Have you ever offered to buy them a meal… or even help them find work?

If you have, you know they usually won’t take the work. They’ll give some excuse why they can’t do it. Sometimes, they’ll even pass on the meal, favoring instead to continue to beg for money.

That’s when I get aggravated and stop giving. Part of it’s my own selfishness, but another part is me spotting the manipulation.

In the gospels, the religious leaders annoyed Jesus not because they failed to understand Scripture, but because they’d stopped trying. They weren’t progressing. They’d been offered the job, but they didn’t take it.

Red flag. People who want more but aren’t doing anything with it don’t really want more. They want to manipulate for some other reason. Watch out.

7. Stealing peace

  • If you have to ask yourself, you’re probably spotting manipulation.
  • If someone’s distracting you with the craziness of life, you’re probably spotting manipulation.
  • If you’re not able to keep your life firmly fixed on Jesus and what He’s said, you’re probably spotting manipulation.

As you know, peace isn’t what’s going on around you. Peace is what’s going on within you. If you’re losing that internal peace, you might be spotting manipulation.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” -John 16:33

Finally…

It’s important to realize with any of these that manipulators might have valid points. Perhaps you do need to apologize. Perhaps you do need to be more generous. But don’t confuse their conclusion with the way they argue for it.

Spotting manipulation is about spotting a lousy process, not a lousy conclusion. In fact, many of the best manipulators are right. Don’t let that fool you.

Service for Jesus is done completely out of love for Him. If not, it’s not serving Jesus. Sure, there’ll be some rough patches, but the motivation’s always the same: love, not fear or guilt or pride or anything else.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) I’ve started a list of practical examples of how people try to manipulate. I’d suggest doing the same. At first, you’ll get tons of different examples. After a while, though, you’ll notice patterns in all the examples, and you’ll spot them easier.

(2) More on this later, but for now, know that spotting manipulation doesn’t always mean calling it out or resisting it. Sometimes we’re called to go ahead regardless. The point here is to recognize it so you can make more accurate decisions and avoid using these tactics yourself.