Here’s how it usually goes down:

How do you teach sharing? (Photo: meglet)

Parents in the living room, sipping lemonade.

Kids in the bedroom, playing dolls.

Sally runs out of the bedroom crying.

“Mommy, Susie won’t share!” she cries.

Susie walks slowly out of her bedroom, carrying the coveted doll.

“Now, now, Susie,” says Susie’s mom, “share with Sally. You have other dolls to play with, and Sally’s your guest.”

And so it goes again and again until eventually, supposedly, Susie learns to share. But what does she really learn?

Susie learns that she’s supposed to share… but maybe not to actually share.

Better plan:

Parents in the living room, sipping lemonade.

Kids in the bedroom, playing dolls.

Sally runs out of the bedroom crying.

“Mommy, Susie won’t share!”

Susie walks out of her bedroom, carrying the coveted doll.

Susie’s mom to Sally’s mom: “More lemonade?”

Seriously, though, the best way to teach sharing is to share, not force it. Because as soon as we force someone to share, it’s no longer sharing.

Kids will obey their parents, but is that really the motivation you want them to have to share? Sharing, by nature, should be voluntary. So I’m all for telling Susie she doesn’t have to share.

If you let kids share on their own, you’ll find – at least I have – that they actually enjoy it. When they’re secure knowing that they don’t have to share, knowing that the doll is still theirs but they’re giving it up for now because they care about their friend, they love sharing.

And it works the same way for you. You’re much more willing to share when you’re doing it out of the kindness of your heart rather than because you feel obligated. If you’re obligated, is it really sharing anyway?

“So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver.” -2 Corinthians 9:7

Serving Suggestions:

(1) What do you think? How should we teach kids to share? Am I missing something (I’m not a parent yet, but I’m genuinely curious) – is the first approach really better? Why?

(2) If you’re on board with me, teach your children to share by setting the example for them but allow them the option not to share.

(3) How to set that example? Share because you care, not because you have to. Serving others is NOT an obligation.

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Photo by notsogoodphotography

Giving your life to Christ includes trusting Him to take care of your life. And part of that includes becoming vulnerable to others. Fully trusting God means trusting friends when God wants us to… even when we don’t want to.

Over the past year or so, I’ve struggled with this more than any other year. I say I forgive, but I don’t start trusting immediately (if ever). Do you do that too?

Cautiousness is often wise, despite its negative reputation. But in relationships with other people, I think we need to learn to trust, not become more cautious. Even when we trust and get hurt as a result, it’s still the best choice in most cases.

So I’m trying to develop more trust in my friends. Without trust, relationships don’t work.

Pinpoint why you don’t trust your friend

In some situations, this can be pretty easy. In others, not so much. One of the first steps when you find yourself leery of others is to pinpoint who exactly you don’t trust.

1. Is it general distrust?

Are you skeptical of everyone (or at least most people)? If this is the case, you probably have some fundamental beliefs that are causing this lack of trust.

These  beliefs, though, are usually rooted in specific events that led to the overall belief. You might have tried trusting a couple people, and they failed you. You formed a belief from this that everyone’s untrustworthy.

It could even seem (or be) logical. How many times in a row would you have to touch a hot stove to start believing that all of them are hot all the time? After a dozen tries, I’d say it would be reasonable to assume that.

2. Is it specific distrust?

Do you not trust a specific person? This is more the case for me. I’ve lost trust in a few people in my life. This doesn’t seem quite as bad as general distrust (and perhaps it’s not). But it can lead to other problems.

One that I’ve noticed in particular is that if I don’t confront these specific issues and learn to trust again, I can easily develop an escapist attitude. Like, Oh well, I’ll just make other friends since that one’s not working out. And that doesn’t lead anywhere good.

It’s not something to shrug off.

The nice (I guess) part about specific distrust is that usually it’s easier to pinpoint why you don’t trust this person. It’s usually because of a certain event or series of events.

From there, it just a matter of finding what exactly triggered the distrust. Certainly it’s not the whole event. Perhaps it’s how your friend reacted to it, the tone of her voice, the look in his eye. Try to get as specific as possible.

Write a letter of (very specific) complaint

One practical tool that seems to help me is to write a letter to this friend explaining why I’ve lost trust. You don’t necessarily have to send the letter. In fact, it’s probably better that you don’t with your first draft, though some kind of letter writing would almost certainly help the situation.

Getting down to the minute details helps establish, at least in your mind, why the distrust exists. Knowing goes a long way.

Accept that your friend will fail you

This is the hardest part for me. It’s like lifting weights: I know it’s going to hurt the next day, but I’m doing it anyway to get stronger. (Actually, I’m not lifting weights, but you get the idea.)

Our culture, which is a culmination of our individual desires, conditions us to seek independence. As a result, we guard against trusting anyone who’s going to fail us. Supposedly, it’s a survival skill. We’re fine with people failing – everyone fails – but they sure better not fail us. At the first hint of someone failing us, distrust kicks in.

That’s not exactly the way God wants us to behave. Instead He wants us to trust Him through others. God can and will care for us through people t00. Even when they fail, God won’t (I’ll talk more about this in a moment).

I know I personally don’t go into friendships thinking they’re going to fail. That’s the last thing on my mind. If it is on my mind, I usually don’t make those friends.

But to become a true servant to others, you and I have to switch into that mode. We have to start off assuming – knowing even – that friends will fail, and we’ll have to pick up the pieces and learn to trust again.

Taking the initiative to prepare for failure is a must. It’s much more difficult to try to develop this after the mistakes have already been made, as I’m trying to do now.

Prepare to forgive without receiving an apology

Accepting failure in your friends and being okay with it is tough stuff. It starts with forgiving even when you never hear that apology or never see that repentance.

You can pull this off by committing ahead of time to forgive no matter what happens. Forgiveness is still a long way from trusting, but that trust will never come if your forgiveness isn’t already in place.

Realize you’re not just trusting your friend

You’re trusting God to care for you with your friend or despite your friend. Either way, you’re really placing your trust in God, not your friend.

You’re saying, “God, I don’t think this person is trustworthy – I think trusting this person could ruin ruin my life. But, because I trust you, Lord, I will become vulnerable to this person.”

You might even add Job’s prayer:

“Remember, I pray, that you have made me like clay…” -Job 10:8

Throughout the Bible, we’re always told to trust God, trust God, trust God. There are few places where the Bible tells us to place our trust in others. (One notable exception: the heart of the husband safely trusts the Proverbs 31 woman.)

Without exception, when God wants us to trust others, to submit to them, it’s always trust through them. All the planning in heaven or earth won’t let you build trust in your friends if it’s not first based on trust in God. If God isn’t the foundation, then yes, trusting anyone is stupid… because friends will fail you. That’s a given.

Often we lose trust in others because we stop trusting God. We start to doubt that He’ll take care of us through anything… including the craziness of friends.

So again, building that trust in God means continuing in prayer, reading and understanding God’s Word, and fellowshipping with other believers – all the normal stuff you and I know but forget to do.

You and I don’t trust others because it’ll benefit us – we trust them because it’s an extension of trusting God.

In this sense, here’s something else to consider: trust reveals your character more than the character of the person you’re trusting. That’s part of why God teaches us to trust others. The other part is that trusting others serves them instead of you and I.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Who do you not trust? More than one person? Okay, pick just one. Consider re-reading this article with that one person in mind. What could you do to start trusting this friend?

(2) Now go do it. I say this all the time, but it’s because most of the time – at least for me – I love to plan and talk but never dive into the trenches. Don’t let that happen to you. Start trusting your friend. Become vulnerable.

(3) Finally, what have you learned about trusting your friends? How do you do it? How do you do it when you don’t want to?

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Someone once asked me, “So, are you in a relationship?”

I knew what she meant. “No,” I said.

What I didn’t fully know is what I meant. I understand that “relationship” means guy/girl or man/woman, intimate, romantic. Got it. But I’ve also heard a godbillion times that God wants a personal relationship with me. And what about a relationships between friends?

“Relationship” is a loaded word. It can mean so many different things in different contexts. That’s why I’m trying to explain some of what I mean when I say it.

What I mean by “relationship” is broader than the typical “Are you in a relationship?” definition. On this site, relationships mean people, usually one on one. For example:

• Romance counts.
• Family counts.
• Friendship counts.

[For you fellow economist nerds out there, the relationship between supply and demand doesn't count. ]

The emotional connection measure

I measure the depth of relationships by their emotional connection. Proximity and genealogies can affect that emotional connection, but they don’t have to.

• Online relationships count just as much as offline relationships. I no longer distinguish between friends just because I’ve not physically met some some of them.
• Friendship relationships count just as much as “blood” relationships. Family relationships perhaps should be deeper than friendships, but I don’t automatically say they are just because of a family tree.

Relationships at bondChristian

bondChristian is a social project. Serving others, by definition, is about people. So relationships are important, perhaps more important here than at other Christian websites where the emphasis is more personal and devotional.

In a way, everything here is about relationships. Does that mean then that everything written here falls into this category? Not really. When you click the “relationships” category up top, you’ll find posts that deal specifically with one on one relationships:

• Jesus/person
• Husband/wife
• Parents/child
• Sister/brother
• Friend/friend
• Professor/student
• Employer/Employee
• Master/slave

And so on – you get the idea. Also, some of these include negative relationships (like friend/enemy) or any other combination of one on one interaction.

That’s what relationships here are all about. They’re about the one on one connection and interaction between people and how we cultivate them, not just romantic connections. (If you’re looking for articles about relationships involving more than two people, try the Church or Outreach categories.)

Friends and guest posts

While we’re on the subject, let me point you to a couple of my friends.

I found Justin Grice’s site, Christian in College, in 2008. At the time, I was a Christian in college, so that seemed like a sweet fit. I’ve enjoyed getting to know him on and off since then. This week I actually wrote a guest post for his blog called “The extraordinary opportunity for college friending.” Check it out, and get to know the site and Justin.

I hooked up with Landry Glaubemann just this past month. You might recognize him from the comments here. Last week, he asked if I would write some guest posts for his blog. I didn’t know if I’d be able to find the time to write many, but somehow it worked out. Landry lives in Germany and, as you might know, I’m in beautiful Louisville, Kentucky. It’s been a lot of fun connecting with him. You can check out the first three posts in my “Thankfulness Matters” series at his blog here:

• “Why we serve God“
• “What is thankfulness?“
• “The only meaningful response to receiving amazing gifts“

Serving Suggestions:

(1) What do you mean by “relationships”? Does your definition switch depending on the context? How? Let us know in the comments.

(2) Check out the guest posts and the sites. Leave comments. And enjoy your weekend.

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