bondChristian » Friendship

When to be happy, when to be sad

Marshall Jones Jr. — Sat, 09 Apr 2011 18:34:07 +0000

There’s some tension between what the Bible says about “rejoicing always” and “mourning with those who mourn.” So how do you and I resolve it? Do we pretend the opposing passages don’t exist, leaning one way while ignoring the other? Or is there a better answer, one that takes both sides into account?

[Click to watch if you're in RSS or email.]

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Default to happiness. Be grateful for everything and don’t change your mind just because it might make you look stupid around all the non-grateful people out there.

(2) When someone comes to you with problems, feel for them. Don’t try to push happiness automatically. They don’t want a big fat smile from you when you have nothing at stake. They won’t trust it.

(3) The time to push happiness and gratefulness is when you’re hurting. That’s when people see the example and are blown away by it. Then they realize that if you can do it, so can they.

Permission to be hurt

Marshall Jones Jr. — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 20:20:58 +0000

In the church, we talk a lot about grace, but we often don’t extend it to one another. What I mean is that when someone’s going through some crazy stuff – like when my friend lost her job or my other friend lost his mom – we tend to push back with a bunch of happiness.

Nothing wrong with happiness, but sometimes people just want someone to feel what they’re feeling, or at least try to sympathize with them. In this video, I talk about how God’s given us the permission to be hurt and how we can use that to serve others when they’re hurting too.

[Click here to watch if you're in RSS or email.]

Serving Suggestions:

(1) I mentioned sympathizing with your children when they get hurt instead of brushing it off, as though it’s not legit. I think that’s an excellent place to start, with your kids, your spouse, your family.

(2) From there, you can extend it to friends in the church. Ask them how they’re doing, really. And then really listen. Don’t immediately offer advice. Just be an encourager, literally one who “comes along side.” Make them feel comfortable opening up to you. (You can even open up yourself to move the conversation in that direction.)

(3) Finally, you can practice this with people outside the church. Try to affirm what they’re feeling. This doesn’t mean allowing them to complain, but it does mean recognizing that what they’re struggling with is real. Feel what they feel, and then you can both move forward together.

Matchmaker tips for recommending friends

Marshall Jones Jr. — Tue, 19 Oct 2010 16:59:43 +0000

(Photo: Bob Jagendorf)

Who’s your best friend… or at least one of your really, really good friends (but not related to you)?

Got a name and face in mind?

Okay, why are you close? Is it just a result of circumstances, or is there something you really enjoy about this person?

Once you’ve answered those questions, I encourage you to write them down. You’ll use them again in a few minutes.

Now let me make a prediction: I’d love to meet this person, the person you thought of. Why? Because I love making friends, learning more about other people through their friends, and if you really enjoy this person, then there’s a good chance I’ll enjoy that person too.

In fact, I’d guess that most of your friends are like me: they’d love to meet the people you care about.

Ditch the idea of matchmaking to help friends get dates, and start thinking in terms of helping your friends make friends. Oddly enough, the results from the latter last longer. Plus, I know I love when my friends introduce me to their friends, so why not turn that around for others?

Who to recommend

The first task in recommending friends is to figure out who you’re going to connect.

You could just connect all your friends to one another, which would probably work better than nothing.
I think a better approach, though, is to specifically single out friends who will jive together, starting with – as I suggested at the beginning – your best friend. If two of your super close friends have never met, there’s a huge likelihood that they’ll get along, even if they don’t seem to share many of the same interests. So hook ‘em up.
Another option is to recommend friends who don’t have many other friends. Some people choose to have a relatively small circle of friends. Others, though, simple don’t know how or are too timid to actively pursue new friendships. So instead of trying to match up people who are already super busy, try to match up friends who need new friends.
I’m a fan of Facebook, so I like using it to find friends who might enjoy meeting each other. See who’s commenting on your statuses. See who’s interested in some of the same stuff. You can do this the old fashioned way by looking through your Rolodex, but for me, online tools are much faster.
Also, in order to recommend friends, you need to have friends. Sounds simple enough, but it’s not. To help jump-start your pool of options, join a few groups you’ve never been a part of. Try to meet new friends yourself. Be the initiator instead of always relying on your friends for recommendations. (As you know, I’ve written more about making friends here.)
I usually avoid opposite sex match-making because it looks too much like romantic match-making. Unless there’s a specific reason, like a common interest, stick with big groups if you’re introducing opposite sex friends at all.
Some people are naturally more gifted with seeing possible connections. Usually, though, it’s just a matter of paying attention to others and becoming aware of their personalities.

How to prepare your friends for each other

This is optional. You won’t always have the opportunity to plan this much (you shouldn’t even try for this all the time). However, it is a good idea in some situations.

Start with one friend (we’ll call him Dan). I like starting with the one I’m closer to because that one trusts me more. So tell Dan you know someone else (we’ll call him Paul) that you think he should meet. Explain a little about why they should meet, like maybe they’re interested in some of the same things, have a similar perspective on life, or just enjoy hanging out with you and having a good time. Sell Dan on meeting Paul.
Once Dan’s on board, you can use that as leverage to get your other friend, Paul, excited about meeting. Say to Paul, “Yeah, I told my friend, Dan, about you. I told him you’re interested in hot air ballooning. He owns one and flies, and he said he’d love to get together with you.” Bam! Instant setup. People love when other people are interested in them.
You can even go back to Dan and tell him that Paul is exciting about getting together. They’ll like each other before they even meet.
Warning: be careful, though, not to set people up where one person is mooching off the other. Often, when people want recommendations, that’s what they’re looking for. Steer clear of this by making sure that both friends are benefiting from the connection, not just one.

How to introduce two of your friends to each other

Once you come up with a match, the next step is to introduce them.

Arrange for the three of you to meet up. If you’re all married, bring your spouses along too. The goal, though, is to keep this as intimate as possible, so don’t invite a bunch of other friends along at first.
Don’t share phone numbers, email addresses, or physical addresses without permission. Do share Facebook and Twitter profiles (and blogs if possible).
When your friends are first meeting, you’ll need to guide the conversation. At least throw out a common interest that they both might enjoy talking about. “Yeah, Dan’s a drummer too.” Whatever. At best, stick with them through the conversation.
Sometimes, you won’t even know who to recommend or you won’t even plan it. Instead, you might just throw a party or plan a get-together for a weekend and invite your friends from different groups. Make sure you actively mix people up, that everyone’s not just staying with the people they know. And then keep track of which friends seem to get along during the event and followup with them afterward more personally.
At the end of the meetup, whether it’s a big group or small but especially if it’s the first time, try to throw out the possibility of connecting again. Say, “Hey, we should exchange numbers.” And then give yours. Not everyone will want to share their phone number (that’s where Facebook comes in), but you’ll want to at least encourage the idea of continuing the connections. Some friends who’ve connected well will probably volunteer their contact info to each other, which is exactly what you want.

How to help cultivate the new friendship

One introduction won’t do it alone, just like when you meet someone. You have to continue to followup.

At first, you might have to keep making all the plans. Set up dinners or outings and invite your friends to come out.
After a while, you can encourage your friends to get together on their own. Ask if one of them would like to set up next week’s plans, something like that. That’ll get contact info exchanging, if it has been already. Plus, it’ll get your friends used to the idea of setting stuff up on their own.
As a gentle nudge, tell your friends to set something up but let them know up front that you won’t be able to make it. Since you told them to set it up, you can ask about it afterward. Keep that up a few times, and pretty soon they’ll be doing it automatically, with or without you.
Finally, get out of the way. That can be difficult for you, especially if you really enjoy both of your friends. You’ll want to participate in everything with them. But if they’re really going to become friends on their own, you need to give them space and let them interact by themselves… in other words, without you.

Overall, these are just suggested tips. Go with the flow though. Don’t force your friends to become friends. Instead, be aware of those around you… because surely some of them would love to connect.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Okay, go back to your best friend, the one I told you to write down in the beginning. Use what you know about that friend to come up with someone else that friend should meet and then set them up together. Make it enjoyable for everyone.

(2) What are your tips for recommending people? What’s worked for you?

Inviting yourself: An alternative to pimping YOUR stuff

Marshall Jones Jr. — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 16:05:34 +0000

(Photo: tibchris)

Everyone knows hanging out with other people is a great way to make friends. We’ll invite people we know to a mid-week Bible study or a Labor Day picnic or maybe a weekend movie. As a friender, I love extending those invitations.

Sometimes, though, it gets to be too much. At first, your friends really appreciate you setting up outing, but if you do it too much, you end up sounded like you’re always pushing something.

Come out to MY event. Come out to MY party. Come out to MY church.

Another idea to consider – one I try to use as soon as I can after first meeting someone – is to invite yourself to THEIR event, party, or church.

How not to invite yourself

Of course, you have to be careful how you do this. Inviting yourself to specific things can sound rude:

“Someone told me you’re going to the movies on Friday night. Can I come?”

Even if you don’t feel it, that puts your friend in an awkward position if they’d rather you didn’t come along. If they don’t want you along, they’ll either have to tell you you can’t come, which can be tough all around, or give in to the pressure and let you come, which wasn’t what they really wanted.

I’m all for making friends, and that often requires pushing things a bit, but this is not usually one of those kinds of situations. In this situation, if you find out your friend is going to the movies, use that information to plan your own movie night next week (or month) to invite that friend. Even if the movie doesn’t happen then, you’ll get your friend thinking of you next time they arrange their movie night.

[Note: All of this assumes you are friends but not super, super close. With super close friends, the game changes, which is why I love that's why I love super close friendships). With them, you might be able to invite yourself straight up. I've invited myself to spend the night with close friends, and they've done the same with me. Just know there are exceptions to etiquette with super close friends.]

How to invite yourself

Inviting yourself to specific parties might be too pushy, so offer yourself generally:

“If you’re ever doing something on a weekend or whatever and want someone else to come along, let me know.”

[Note: Don't use this one when you know they're specifically doing something already. That'll sound like you're hinting.]

This general offer is a great way gauge how receptive your friend is to having you tag along. Your friend might say, “Oh, sure. I go shopping at the mall with some friends fairly often. Maybe you’d like to come with us.” That’s means probably means they’re interested. Think again, though, if they say, “Well… okay, I guess.”

Another approach, if you know the person a little better, is to mention a specific interest but leave out a specific date:

“So yeah, I heard you’re in a band. Let me know next time you play out. I’d like to come hear you.”

Your friend is much more likely to remember to invite you if you’ve already shown interest in something you know they do.

Final warning

If you ask a friend to invite you, make sure you actually go with them. If you have a legitimate excuse once in a while, that’s fine. But a couple of those in a row will kill the whole thing – your friend will forget to invite you in the future.

Remember, you’re making a promise (that you’d like to hang out with them), and declining once they invite you breaks that promise. That’s how you lose trust.

On the other hand, following through keeps the promise and builds trust while showing you’re genuinely interested in what they’re up to. That’s a recipe for friendship.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Surely you know someone you haven’t hung out with in a while. Call that person, tell them you don’t have any plans this weekend, and say, “Are you doing anything fun? Anything where I could come and hang out with you?”

(2) Yes, inviting yourself means keeping your schedule flexible. So does making friends. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Make the time.

3 steps to creating your own version of how to make a friend

Marshall Jones Jr. — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 12:54:30 +0000

These three steps are, briefly, how I created my version. Now, you too can do the same…

1. Make a list

Start a list of all the specific things your friends have done for you, to you, or with you that helped deepen your friendship.

Did they take you shopping?
Did they buy you lunch?
Did they talk with you and make you feel welcome at the party when no one else would?

The list should go on and on (shoot for 100). The more specific you are with each item, the more useful your list will be and the easier it’ll be to reach 100.

2. Triage your list

Now that you’ve made this long list, cut it down to the best 5-10 items, the items that were game changing for you.

These are different for everyone, but in general you probably experienced them at either your highest or lowest points in life. They’re the moments when you felt your deepest pain but a friend did something to encourage you. They’re the moments when you felt most intensely happy and loved and a friend was right in the middle of it.

Pick out those specific items and figure out what exactly your friends did to make them happen.

3. Recreate your list for someone else

Over the next too weeks, work from your tighter list and try to recreate those situations for other people.

If you did the first two steps, then you should have some phenomenal examples to work from. Those examples are the things that made you friend your friends. By repeating them for others, you can effectively make friendship opt-out, which is exactly what you want.

Welcome to the life of a friender.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Create those amazing moments… make friends.

(2) And make it difficult for friends not to be your friend.

Friender mindset: The subtle difference that makes them amazing

Marshall Jones Jr. — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 18:58:02 +0000

(Photo: greenplastic875)

If you visit the subscription page here at bondChristian.com, you’ll notice you have to sign up to get updates emailed to you. That’s opt-in. You “opt-in” to get them.

What if instead I automatically sent you updates before you told me to? What if instead you had to sign up to stop me from emailing you? That’s opt-out. You “opt-out” to stop getting emails.

With opt-in, you have to do something to get something.
With opt-out, you have to do something to stop getting something.

In most cases, especially on the Internet, opt-in is more ethical. It means I only do what you tell me to do instead of forcing you to tell me to stop.

But opt-in isn’t always best. Sometimes, opt-out is better. For example…

Opt-out is better for friendship

And it’s what sets frienders apart.

As you might have guessed, a friender is someone who makes friends on purpose. You can of course have friends without being a friender. Perhaps your friends are the frienders who made the friendship happen, or perhaps the whole relationship developed naturally based on circumstances. But frienders are the real pros.

Frienders approach friendship differently than everyone else. Frienders make friendship opt-out. Frienders make you do something to not be their friend.

Let that sink in for a moment.

Frienders make it harder to not be their friend than to be their friend.

Is that what you do?

Why the difference matters

It seems like a subtle difference. After all, in both cases, I’m free to choose either way. The notable distinction is which option requires more effort on my part. But that distinction is what makes frienders so effective in their friendships.

It makes sense, right? If I automatically sent you email updates from bondChristian.com unless you told me to quit, we’d obviously have more subscribers here.

That’s exactly what frienders do. That’s how they think.

Frienders assume everyone is their friend unless someone actively refuses the friendship. (I’m going to say it one more time. Get ready…)

Frienders make it more difficult to not be their friend than to be their friend.

If you become a friender, your whole mindset shifts. It shifts from “I’ll be their friend if that’s what they want” to “I’ll be their friend unless they refuse me,” which means you’ll automatically make more friends and develop deeper relationships.

But what about the ethical side?

As I mentioned, opt-in is usually the more ethical approach. And many people feel that’s true for friendship too.

When I was putting together How to Make a Friend, I got some resistance to a general assumption I make. I don’t I explicitly spell it out in the ebook, but the underlying tone and really the whole purpose behind the project was to make it difficult for you not to make a friend if you followed all the steps. The tactics I share all flow from that assumption.

But that makes some readers uncomfortable.

Isn’t it presumptuous to assume everyone wants to be your friend?
Isn’t is better to let your acquaintances back out of friendship if it’s moving too quickly for them?
Isn’t it manipulative to force someone into a friendship?

Tough questions. You’ll have to answer them on your own. Here’s my take, though:

Friendship is difficult.
Most people don’t develop deep friendships because it’s difficult.
If I make it easy, most people want to be friends.

To put it bluntly, I’m willing to aggravate the small minority who don’t want friends to reap friendships with the large majority who do. And here’s a little secret everyone should know: that small minority is so tiny I’m not even sure it exists.

How to make friendship opt-out

So you know where I’m coming from. You probably still have questions and worries about it, but now you’re starting to wonder what all this implies. Say you do want to try making friends on purpose… say you’re willing to become a friender and make friendship opt-out, what next?

Well, I laid out a course in my ebook that’s worked for me, but I’ll share how to create your own, personal version tomorrow. For now…

Serving Suggestions:

(1) You could opt-in to let me notify you when the next post goes up (and all the rest of the posts too).

(2) You could share your take on defaulting to friendship. In other words, how do you feel about assuming that everyone wants your friendship and making it difficult for them to get out of it?

How friendship destroys evangelism as we know it

Marshall Jones Jr. — Thu, 12 Aug 2010 16:48:35 +0000

Evangelism is cliche.

Christians keep telling us to evangelize the lost world, when really Jesus told us to make disciples. That’s a big difference. When you and I go forth to preach the good news to the whole, wide world, we don’t have much incentive to share it lovingly. It’s easier to simply proclaim the truth, regardless of how it affects others.

When you and I shift to a discipleship mindset, though, things change. No longer can we share without followup. No longer can we rely on one liners. No longer can we one-off. We have to live with the consequences. We live with the disciples we’ve made. We make friends.

That’s how it works.

Friendship destroys evangelism as we know it by forcing us to care.

That’s the commission Jesus gave us… oh, and He tells us He’ll be with us the whole time. Remember that from the end of Matthew?

I’d quote it, but that’s cliche too.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Is it easier for you to share Jesus with a friend or with a stranger? Why?

(2) Ask someone you know who’s not a Christian about their experience with Christian evangelists. Don’t defend Christianity or your friend’s interpretation of it – just ask questions. You’ll learn a lot.

10 benefits of friendship

Marshall Jones Jr. — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 17:18:24 +0000

(Photo: D Sharon Pruitt)

Consider the most meaningful and fulfilling moments in your life. Do they have friendships running through them?

Through my life, every meaningful moment has been either a direct or indirect result of friendship.

I’ve told you that before, but I’d like to share why. This is a general list – I haven’t included specific examples of how each played out in my life. I hope this just gives you a glimpse into why I’m enthusiastic about making friends and developing deep connections with those around me… and why I encourage you to do the same.

1. Hanging out together

Studies show that hanging out with friends may reduce the risk of loneliness.

Sure, many prefer solitude over socializing, but no one prefers loneliness. You want to know and feel that others care about you. Friends care, but it all starts with hanging out, just being there.

How are you hanging out?

2. Learning to communicate

The more I hang out with friends, the easier it is for me to open up. In general, that’s probably true for you too. When you and I stop hanging out with others, we tend to retreat into our shells even more. We begin to forget the benefits of open communication and focus only on the fear.

Staying in near-constant contact, though, keeps us in practice.

How are you communicating?

3. Sharing ideas

Once the communication starts flowing, you end up trading ideas. Your friends can often tell you how reasonable your ideas are, or what you might need to do to rework them. That feedback then can help direct how you act on those ideas and how you set your goals. And your feedback can do the same for your friend.

How are you sharing ideas?

4. Building accountability

Ideas are worthless if you never act on them. One of the best ways to get that action going is to create goals around them and share those goals with your friends. Friends force you to actually work toward your goals.

That accountability only works, though, if you and your friend are willing to share with one another and call each other out when one’s going the wrong way. Otherwise, accountability is a charade.

How are you staying accountable?

5. Sharing stuff

Back when neighbors were neighbors, we used to share things… liberally. No one had a problem lending out a wheelbarrow. And perhaps more interestingly, no one had a problem asking to borrow that wheelbarrow either. Now, we know our neighbors enough to not trust them but not enough to trust them regardless.

When you and I build accountability back into our relationships, the opportunity to lend and give freely opens up, not because we have leverage to “get back” at our friends if they trash our stuff but because we care enough about them to share no matter what.

How are you sharing stuff?

6. Sharing friends

Some friends are wonderful just because of the other friends you make through them. Know what I mean?

On Facebook, I’ve set up lists to group my friends to keep up with them better. Most of the lists revolve around a location or organization, like church or college, but a couple of those groups center almost completely around a particular friend. After meeting that one person, I was exposed to all the others who eventually became my friends.

Not everyone can be that person, but most have at least a couple friends to share. Numbers aren’t as important as the deepness of the connections. I certainly love sharing friends (both on the giving and receiving end) better than sharing other stuff.

How are you sharing friends?

7. Learning new skills

As your connections grow, your friends will begin to teach you skills you never would have pursued or, in some cases, never even known about. One example that comes to mind for me is yo-yoing. A friend got into yo-yoing, so I followed along. The skills can be much more profound than yo-yoing, though.

How are you learning and teaching new skills?

8. Inspiring one another

Skills are tactics. They’re detailed, but usually fairly low-level actions. Inspiration is strategy. It changes how you live, not just how you act. Inspiration is where you go from learning yo-yo tricks to overhauling your career course to pursue professional entertainment.

Inspiration is hard to pinpoint, which is why we’re usually inspired by the lives of people we admire rather than their teachings. As friends influence one another through their specific ideas and skills, inspiration starts to form. We see the combination of all the details in a friend’s life and decide we want to imitate part of it. That’s when our overall, life strategies change.

How are being inspired… how are you inspiring?

9. Discipling one another

Inspiration only goes so far. From there we have to return to tactics, but this time we apply the tactics through a completely different lens. Once friends align at least some of their overall beliefs, they can feed off each other, teaching one another the details of life through a particular lens.

Christianity is a perfect example. When friends decide to submit to Christ’s leadership, they can share advice back and forth along their walk. I believe this is the most effective form of discipleship… the form Jesus commissioned.

How are you discipling?

10. Encouraging one another

For most of us, encouragement is what we need now. You and I don’t need new information – we need the courage to follow-through with what we already know. We need the courage to get back up after we fall down.

Friends give us that encouragement. Beyond simple companionship or instruction or inspiration, we need friends we relate to, care about, and as a result give us a reason to continue forward.

“Friendship is born in that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’ ” -C. S. Lewis

How are you encouraging?

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Go make a friend (in 10 days).

(2) Share some of the benefits of your friendships. Why do you make friends, or why do you keep developing them? Any personal examples?

How to deepen a friendship (in half an hour)

Marshall Jones Jr. — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 15:21:58 +0000

Following the pattern of How to Make a Friend (in 10 Days), I wanted condense it down even more. How can you and I deepen an already established friendship in the shortest amount of time and still get meaningful results?

This is what I came up with…

[Click through to watch if you're in RSS or email.]

Takeaway:

Call your friend.
Chat. Don’t call to specifically get anything out of the conversation… other than a deeper friendship.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) If you think a friend is available and you have half an hour to spare, make a phone call right now.

(2) Repeat (1) each day for a week. You can try calling different friends, maybe repeat call a few of the same ones.

(3) Answer the question: what are your tips for starting phone conversations and then keeping them going?

C. S. Lewis was wrong – You need friends

Marshall Jones Jr. — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 17:17:26 +0000

(Photo: Karlina - Carla Sedini)

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.” -C. S. Lewis

I liked that quote for the longest time. Actually, I still like it, but I think it only describes part of friendship.

Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, said this, and it’s recorded in the Bible:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up.” -Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

So although C. S. Lewis was probably right that friendship is one of those things that gives value to survival, friendship is also crucial for survival.

When you’re alone and you fall down, no one’s around to catch you. But if you have even one friend when you fall, that one friend can help you back up. Or even if you both fall at the same time, each of you gives the other a reason to get up.

How many survival stories have you heard where friends continue hoping and struggling forward simply because they want to be there for each other? What about during those marathons when total strangers band together to run side by side, because without each other, they’d quit? Do people usually commit suicide together or in solitude?

See, that’s the survival value of friendships. I like that C. S. Lewis said friends give us a reason to survive, but without that reason, we usually wouldn’t survive.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) If you fell, can you name the person who would help you up? The more aware you are of your friendships, the easier it is to continue to grow them.

(2) Are you building friendships that are strong enough to help you survive? Are you building friendships that are strong enough to help your friends survive? Do something on purpose right now to start… or – if you’ve already started – do something to continue.

(3) Shameless plug… because I actually think it’s worth it: check out my ebook, How to Make a Friend (in 10 Days). It’ll give you some ideas to jump-start your friendships.