Before reading the book, I researched it a bit, more than I would normally research a book before I read it. Still, going into it, I didn’t expect to learn what I did from the book: to listen.

Each time I put down the book, between sections, between chapters, and then when I finally finished it, I always came away thinking, Wow, so the key is to listen.

And throughout the book, Josh was able to use what he’d heard to share why listening is so crucial.

[Note: I'm probably not that great of a reviewer. This is totally opinionated - I'm not even trying for objectivity. This is just what I learned, what I took away from the book... and what I hope to share with you.]

Listening to relate

Josh hooked me with his “Prelude” because he jumped right into relating to me and Gen Y in general. I think this is on the back cover too:

“We are the generation of tattoos, extreme sports, and Starbucks; the generation of video games, the Internet, cell phones, social networking, and iPods. We are the generation of authenticity, social justice, a new kind of church, racial diversity, professional flexibility, tightly knit communities, and overnight sensations. We are dreamers, hopers, innovators, idealists, peacemakers, and imaginaries.”

The thing that struck me as I read descriptions like this was that we’re not that different from previous generations. While I think the circumstances that surround each generation might be slightly different because of changing technologies, styles, and so on, I don’t think people are fundamentally different from generation to generation.

Isn’t every generation full of dreamers, hopers, innovators, idealists, peacemakers, and imaginaries?

You can argue that with me later, my point is this: Gen Y people as individuals are different, just like people from every other generation. And it takes an attentive listener to start to understand anyone in any meaningful way.

Assumptions and stereotypes are everywhere, and many of them are useful for understanding on a general level. But when it comes to following Jesus, it’s no longer about the general level. It’s about each specific person in our lives.

So I’m trying to listen more individually and more attentively.

It was odd – as much as I wanted mY Generation to be a page-turner, it really wasn’t for me. I set it down for days at a time on multiple occasions. But each time I returned to it, I wondered why I’d left for so long because I did enjoy the read.

That experience itself was similar to how I often relate to people. I love it when I do sit down and have deep conversations and really listen, but for some reason, I go through seasons where I forget that amazingness.

Personally, I need to force myself to listen, just like I sometimes need to force myself to jog. Because once I get started I remember, “Man, I love this stuff.”

How to be relevant

Josh called one of the chapters “He came from London.” When I finished that chapter, I flipped back to the title and wrote next to it, “How to be relevant.”

Relevancy is really what we all want… or at least that’s what so many of us say we want. We want to connect pious info to real life. And in this chapter, Josh shares how to do it.

He’s not a how-to guy, though – remember that. Instead, he shares how through the stories he tells…

• Like the one about the n0t-so-relevant, plaza evangelist
• Like the one about Josh’s mother defending him in spite of his yet-to-be-licensed driving skills
• Like the one about the conversations with Eddie, the friend Josh thought he had figured out

But here’s a spoiler: humility creates relevancy.

• The plaza evangelist showed what humility didn’t look like
• Josh’s mother showed what humility did look like
• And Eddie provided Josh an opportunity to practice it

That’s a spoiler because it means that for all this talk about relevancy, what we’re really lacking is humility.

(To be fair, the chapter subtitle was, “Finding relevance while destroying an evil empire.” I like that too.)

Listening to God is listening too

I enjoyed a lot of the quirkiness in Josh’s writing. In many areas, he seemed to drift off topic or change perspectives. He also seemed to use certain details in odd ways. In some cases, I specifically stopped to think, “Wow, what a cool way of saying that – I’d not thought of it like that before.”

But even though I liked these sections individually, I felt that many of them also made the overall reading choppy. The twists were smart, but they didn’t seem natural to me for some reason. They seemed like something an author would write after thinking for hours about a certain sentence or paragraph… but not something that author would actually say in real life.

I’d say that was a downside.

So, the takeaway from that for me… share in your own voice, Marshall. <<Dang… that’s way hard.

All that to say, the chapter titled “Wetlands” seemed like one of these sections. I was like, “Okay, I got this – listening is the key. Now what’s this chapter doing in here? Why’s it written from my soul’s perspective? And now that we’ve finished with that weird perspective, why is Josh talking about Christian Bale man-crushes?”

Ah, but then I realized, this final piece… this chapter’s still about listening. It’s about listening to God.

Weaving through various personal stories again, Josh relates his struggle to be still and listen to God in the midst of all the “ministry.” One particularly painful example for me was the email he shares… the email I’d already read… and needed to send…

On page 203, Josh shares an email he says he’s received in some form multiple times. It’s one of those emails that basically says, “I feel like you’ve been an idiot because you cared about ministering more than you cared about me, but I’ve been an idiot too because I’ve not said anything to you about it, and I’ve never tried to reconcile the situation… until now.”

Bonus aside:

As I read that email, one person in particular came to my mind. After I read it, I typed up the exact email from the book, changed the names and then a bunch of the words, and sent it to a friend… one who’s not really been a friend lately because we’ve [ahem] “grown apart.”

Yes, Josh, I totally plagiarized your work – I guess you could say I’m citing it now, though… is that cool?

I don’t know yet what’s going to come as a result of that email, but overall I’d say the book is worth it just to get that template.

And yeah, I’m like you, Josh: I need to slow down the ministry side and start to rest in what God really wants for me. And you and I aren’t alone.

So… a summery

(…The one Josh might not like because it reduces years of work into two bullet points)

• Listen to individual people… humbly
• Listen to God… slowly

It’s putting that into practice that takes years and work.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Listen. Really try to understand people. You won’t actually be able to understand them (and that’s a good thing to keep in mind), but you can get closer to understanding them.

(2) You can start by checking out more of Josh Riebock. And his book, mY Generation: A Real Journey of Change and Hope, is available now at Amazon.coms everywhere.

• The 4 healthy habits of highly effective Christians
• 22 retweetables and a ton of tweeple to follow
• Are you ignoring this high impact tool for capturing friendships?
• Unleashing the newsletter… again (PLUS: 7 ways to serve your world)
• Convo-Tip #5: Own a conversation starter

Or if not, simply click away.

(Photo: Joe Schlabotnik)

For those still reading, here are 22 of my crazy thoughts that went a little wild over the past few months. (My favorites are in bold.) Enjoy!

• Love one another as Christ has loved you. And start by figuring out in practical terms what ‘love’ means.
• God wants slaves who can’t do anything… and know it. Do you?
• Sometimes the most important thing to be said shouldn’t be said right now. Timing #matters.
• Living for others is like living for yourself… but for others. :>)
• Give (and not up).
• Don’t surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are. Surround yourself with people who better who you are.
• You can’t rely on your habits to become a better person, for it is your habits that have led you to where you are.
• The #Gospel in 12 words: Jesus died so you don’t have to be good to be awesome.
• Success (in anything) strategy #1: Give what you would want IF you were THEM.
• Christians are hated for what they hate, not what they love.
• An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind, but it might help with the porn issue.
• Life is often like watching TV: it’s always on everywhere, but no one’s paying attention.
• We believe what we repeatedly think. Wisdom then, is not an idea, but a mindset.
• I put my twitter feed on my blog. Now I have to be careful what I tweet because people who actually know me will read it.
• People will friend you before they follow you… and I’m not talking facebook and twitter here.
• Rarely is sacrificing unity within the church to strengthen a position the best thing for the church.
• Tipping, like at a restaurant, shows more about the person tipping than the person being tipped.
• Bio: Encourage literally means to put courage in. That’s what I do.
• Perhaps more important than finding the right spouse or being the right spouse is helping create the right spouse.
• People are guided by your treatment of others. Guide well.
• Is fear of commitment keeping you from being or doing something amazing? It might be the only thing that is.
• Most people are people. If you reach out to them, they’ll reach back. But someone’s got to start.

Bonus: Dependence isn’t the problem – the problem is who (or what) you’re depending on.

[That bonus was first quoted in my "7 Ways to serve your world" course... go sign up in the sidebar toward the top.]

Whew! Feel free to retweet these however you want. Don’t even bother giving me credit – I’d rather get out the message than my name.

And while we’re talking twitter (and after all, it is #FollowFriday), here’s my list of Christians I follow fairly closely. Check it.

If you’re a Christian on twitter and would like me to add you to the list, let me know. You can email me or comment or @reply me: @MarshallJonesJr.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) If you’re not already on twitter, sign up and @reply me (and I’ll follow you). You can do that by sending a tweet that includes “@MarshallJonesJr.”

(2) If you’re on twitter, leave a comment with a) some of your favorite (or most RTed) tweets so we can share them with our followers for you and b) your username so we can follow you.

(3) Click the “Share w/ followers” button… just to see how it works. (Sure, this is all about promoting bondChristian too, but hey, I think it’s worth it… so I don’t feel bad suggesting it – do you?)

• Learning from mY Generation: Stories on the art of listening
• Are you ignoring this high impact tool for capturing friendships?
• Convo-Tip #5: Own a conversation starter
• Convo-Tip #4: Ask for advice or opinions
• Convo-Tip #3: Speak like a singer

…Even though I didn’t know what to do.

Writing recommendation letters is one of those skills most of us don’t consider too often. At least I don’t. Not many people want my recommendation, I suppose.

But as huge fan of recommendations, I think it’s important to develop this skill – it can certainly carry over into informal recommendations in daily conversation.

So this is what I did to write my letter. I’ve also included some questions for you because I’d like your help in improving my (and other reader’s) recommending skills.

Googled it

I had written one of these letters about two years ago. Two years ago. So yeah, I had totally forgotten what I was doing.

Google provided some templates, which I used to structure of my letter. I’m all about creativity and breaking rules to stand out, but I thought it was a good idea to figure out what rules I was breaking.

Do think a template is a good idea?

Learned about the audience

I don’t know if this is always the case (I imagine it often is) – I didn’t know who I was writing to. I knew it was some committee, but the name didn’t reveal much. So I looked them up.

This took some extra work on my part, but I think having at least a few faces helped me sound personal without too much casualness. (Like I didn’t use the word “casualness” in the letter.) It also gave me some background on what they were looking for in a candidate.

Is that too much work considering the benefits don’t seem that impressive? What do you think?

Focused on stories

This is a big problem with my writing – I don’t tell enough stories. I usually ignore the voice telling me to include more stories here because I’m writing how-to posts. I’ll try to change that. With the letter, though, I specifically focused on writing detailed stories and nothing else.

• I told about how my professor used an unusual exam/quiz combo to help students know where they stood in the class.
• I explained about how he’d shared about his former life as a lawyer.
• And I gave a few examples of when he’d gone beyond the classroom to help and get to know his students.

Do you think writing primarily with stories is a good idea or do people want “just the facts (ma’am)”?

Include something (slightly) negative but provide a rebuttal

Without any negativity, I think most recommendation letters feel fake, especially from a business perspective. It’s one thing to know someone you get along with well – it’s quite another to give the impression that a professor is universally perfect.

So in my letter, I included a brief section about why some students didn’t like his class.

What do you think – is that a good idea?

Ended with a recommendation I’d given to my brother

Instead of ending by recommending this professor for the award, which of course anyone writing a recommendation letter is going to do, I ended with a story of how I recommended him to my younger brother. And my brother is now trying to get into another class with him.

I think if I were reading the letter, I’d appreciate some creativity toward the end instead of a fizzle out that’s been done a quintillion times before.

But is it better to stick with a traditional template?

Now that I’ve shared what I did, I want to open this up (as if it’s ever closed) for you to share your thoughts.

• Have you written recommendation letters, for professors or otherwise? How did you do it? What would you add, or subtract, from what I did?
• Perhaps you’ve been on the other side – perhaps you’ve had to read these letters. As a reader, what do you suggest?
• Are recommendation letters even worth the effort? Here’s something I didn’t address – how would you decide when to write them?

I’d love to get your input on how to best serve others through these letters.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Write a letter of recommendation. Even if it’s just for practice, I think you’ll learn a lot about serving because you have two (sometime competing) interests to keep in mind: the one being recommended and the one reading the recommendation (to say nothing of your own effort to write it).

(2) Share about your experiences with writing (or reading) letters of recommendation. (Or even if you have no experience, I’d love to hear your thoughts.)

• How to “one-more” and take advantage of incremental growth
• Learn how to trust your friend
• Learning from mY Generation: Stories on the art of listening
• Teaching kids (and yourself) to share
• Off-season serving

Photo by notsogoodphotography

Giving your life to Christ includes trusting Him to take care of your life. And part of that includes becoming vulnerable to others. Fully trusting God means trusting friends when God wants us to… even when we don’t want to.

Over the past year or so, I’ve struggled with this more than any other year. I say I forgive, but I don’t start trusting immediately (if ever). Do you do that too?

Cautiousness is often wise, despite its negative reputation. But in relationships with other people, I think we need to learn to trust, not become more cautious. Even when we trust and get hurt as a result, it’s still the best choice in most cases.

So I’m trying to develop more trust in my friends. Without trust, relationships don’t work.

Pinpoint why you don’t trust your friend

In some situations, this can be pretty easy. In others, not so much. One of the first steps when you find yourself leery of others is to pinpoint who exactly you don’t trust.

1. Is it general distrust?

Are you skeptical of everyone (or at least most people)? If this is the case, you probably have some fundamental beliefs that are causing this lack of trust.

These  beliefs, though, are usually rooted in specific events that led to the overall belief. You might have tried trusting a couple people, and they failed you. You formed a belief from this that everyone’s untrustworthy.

It could even seem (or be) logical. How many times in a row would you have to touch a hot stove to start believing that all of them are hot all the time? After a dozen tries, I’d say it would be reasonable to assume that.

2. Is it specific distrust?

Do you not trust a specific person? This is more the case for me. I’ve lost trust in a few people in my life. This doesn’t seem quite as bad as general distrust (and perhaps it’s not). But it can lead to other problems.

One that I’ve noticed in particular is that if I don’t confront these specific issues and learn to trust again, I can easily develop an escapist attitude. Like, Oh well, I’ll just make other friends since that one’s not working out. And that doesn’t lead anywhere good.

It’s not something to shrug off.

The nice (I guess) part about specific distrust is that usually it’s easier to pinpoint why you don’t trust this person. It’s usually because of a certain event or series of events.

From there, it just a matter of finding what exactly triggered the distrust. Certainly it’s not the whole event. Perhaps it’s how your friend reacted to it, the tone of her voice, the look in his eye. Try to get as specific as possible.

Write a letter of (very specific) complaint

One practical tool that seems to help me is to write a letter to this friend explaining why I’ve lost trust. You don’t necessarily have to send the letter. In fact, it’s probably better that you don’t with your first draft, though some kind of letter writing would almost certainly help the situation.

Getting down to the minute details helps establish, at least in your mind, why the distrust exists. Knowing goes a long way.

Accept that your friend will fail you

This is the hardest part for me. It’s like lifting weights: I know it’s going to hurt the next day, but I’m doing it anyway to get stronger. (Actually, I’m not lifting weights, but you get the idea.)

Our culture, which is a culmination of our individual desires, conditions us to seek independence. As a result, we guard against trusting anyone who’s going to fail us. Supposedly, it’s a survival skill. We’re fine with people failing – everyone fails – but they sure better not fail us. At the first hint of someone failing us, distrust kicks in.

That’s not exactly the way God wants us to behave. Instead He wants us to trust Him through others. God can and will care for us through people t00. Even when they fail, God won’t (I’ll talk more about this in a moment).

I know I personally don’t go into friendships thinking they’re going to fail. That’s the last thing on my mind. If it is on my mind, I usually don’t make those friends.

But to become a true servant to others, you and I have to switch into that mode. We have to start off assuming – knowing even – that friends will fail, and we’ll have to pick up the pieces and learn to trust again.

Taking the initiative to prepare for failure is a must. It’s much more difficult to try to develop this after the mistakes have already been made, as I’m trying to do now.

Prepare to forgive without receiving an apology

Accepting failure in your friends and being okay with it is tough stuff. It starts with forgiving even when you never hear that apology or never see that repentance.

You can pull this off by committing ahead of time to forgive no matter what happens. Forgiveness is still a long way from trusting, but that trust will never come if your forgiveness isn’t already in place.

Realize you’re not just trusting your friend

You’re trusting God to care for you with your friend or despite your friend. Either way, you’re really placing your trust in God, not your friend.

You’re saying, “God, I don’t think this person is trustworthy – I think trusting this person could ruin ruin my life. But, because I trust you, Lord, I will become vulnerable to this person.”

You might even add Job’s prayer:

“Remember, I pray, that you have made me like clay…” -Job 10:8

Throughout the Bible, we’re always told to trust God, trust God, trust God. There are few places where the Bible tells us to place our trust in others. (One notable exception: the heart of the husband safely trusts the Proverbs 31 woman.)

Without exception, when God wants us to trust others, to submit to them, it’s always trust through them. All the planning in heaven or earth won’t let you build trust in your friends if it’s not first based on trust in God. If God isn’t the foundation, then yes, trusting anyone is stupid… because friends will fail you. That’s a given.

Often we lose trust in others because we stop trusting God. We start to doubt that He’ll take care of us through anything… including the craziness of friends.

So again, building that trust in God means continuing in prayer, reading and understanding God’s Word, and fellowshipping with other believers – all the normal stuff you and I know but forget to do.

You and I don’t trust others because it’ll benefit us – we trust them because it’s an extension of trusting God.

In this sense, here’s something else to consider: trust reveals your character more than the character of the person you’re trusting. That’s part of why God teaches us to trust others. The other part is that trusting others serves them instead of you and I.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Who do you not trust? More than one person? Okay, pick just one. Consider re-reading this article with that one person in mind. What could you do to start trusting this friend?

(2) Now go do it. I say this all the time, but it’s because most of the time – at least for me – I love to plan and talk but never dive into the trenches. Don’t let that happen to you. Start trusting your friend. Become vulnerable.

(3) Finally, what have you learned about trusting your friends? How do you do it? How do you do it when you don’t want to?

• Teaching kids (and yourself) to share
• Why I’m NOT a big fan of authenticity
• How I wrote a recommendation letter – what would you add?
• What I mean by “relationships”
• How to help someone overcome temptation

Source: fellowcreative

As much as many of us are on Facebook, I still think it’s underused. Before you run away, thinking this is just another Facebook post, please hear me out. Especially if this is all new to you – I’m sharing for you.

Facebook has helped me develop deep friendships with people I only see every couple months… or in some cases, only once. In particular, I’ve kept up with friends from college and summer vacations even though I’ll most likely never see them again face to face.

And it’s not just for college kids anymore. If you’re not the college age, I’d argue that what I’m about to share can have even more impact for you because, for now at least, you’re still a minority doing this stuff. Here’s what I suggest.

Before you meet someone (read: now)

Get on Facebook. Most of you, blog reading, Internet junkies, are already connected. But for some, facebook is new territory. If that’s you, I encourage you to try it out… for at least a month.

Sign up for an account on the home page. You’ll need to confirm your information through your email account. Once you’ve done that, add some friends and update your profile information (and please put up a real picture of yourself). If you feel completely lost, ask someone for help. Friends who are already on Facebook are usually more than willing to help you out.

In fact, they’re probably excited to help you with it… like I am. Check it.

When you meet someone for the first time

Ask them if they’re on Facebook. This can accomplish three things:

1. Shows your interest. People love to have friends who are interested in them. As I’ve said before, the interesting people are those who are interested.

2. Keeps the connection casual. If this is your first meeting, asking for a phone number is too personal. Even email implies you have a specific purpose for emailing. Facebook is different. Facebook is purely to get to know one another. It breaks the entry barriers to friendship.

What if this new friend isn’t on Facebook? Perfect because it…

3. Provides a talking point and builds your reputation. If they’re not already on Facebook, you have an opportunity to talk about the topic and introduce them to something that’s potentially helpful for them.

Some people give Facebook a genuine shot but still don’t like it. More often, though, they just never give it the chance. They might set up an account, but because they don’t connect to any friends or feel comfortable around the site, they move on. Some people are like that.

Most people, at least from my experience, love Facebook once they’ve given it a fair chance. If you’re the person who introduces your friend to Facebook and your friend loves it, your reputation has already bumped up, just from that single tip and some encouragement to go for it.

[Note: When I say it "builds your reputation," I mean that in a good way. It builds report with your friend - it's a form of trust, which is crucial for any friendship.]

When you get home

Add them on Facebook. It’s important to get this right. You want to be the person inviting your new friend. Being first gives you two advantages (advantages for serving the other person):

1. Shows interest. This is the same as above. You want to be the one interested. Aren’t you excited when someone requests that you add them as a friend? That excitement is what you want to give your new friend.

2. Keeps the pressure off. Again, when you’re first meeting someone, you don’t want to go through the awkwardness of trying to give your facebook extension (like this: facebook.com/marshalljonesjr). You want this connection to be as passive as possible for your friend (at least in the beginning).

If you’re friend gets home, finds your friend request, and doesn’t feel like connecting with you further, your friend can just ignore your request. Better to have tried though.

Considering the potential benefits of building a strong friendship, this really doesn’t take much effort (on either part) at all. But it does go a long way in establishing a friendship that otherwise might not have ever developed past casual acquaintance.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Join Facebook (if you’re not already on). Update your profile info, especially that picture if it’s difficult to recognize you.

(2) Get out and meet new people. And when you do, remember their names, so when you get home (or back to a computer), you can…

(3) Add new acquaintances on facebook.

• Learning from mY Generation: Stories on the art of listening
• 22 retweetables and a ton of tweeple to follow
• Convo-Tip #5: Own a conversation starter
• Convo-Tip #4: Ask for advice or opinions
• Convo-Tip #3: Speak like a singer

Someone once asked me, “So, are you in a relationship?”

I knew what she meant. “No,” I said.

What I didn’t fully know is what I meant. I understand that “relationship” means guy/girl or man/woman, intimate, romantic. Got it. But I’ve also heard a godbillion times that God wants a personal relationship with me. And what about a relationships between friends?

“Relationship” is a loaded word. It can mean so many different things in different contexts. That’s why I’m trying to explain some of what I mean when I say it.

What I mean by “relationship” is broader than the typical “Are you in a relationship?” definition. On this site, relationships mean people, usually one on one. For example:

• Romance counts.
• Family counts.
• Friendship counts.

[For you fellow economist nerds out there, the relationship between supply and demand doesn't count. ]

The emotional connection measure

I measure the depth of relationships by their emotional connection. Proximity and genealogies can affect that emotional connection, but they don’t have to.

• Online relationships count just as much as offline relationships. I no longer distinguish between friends just because I’ve not physically met some some of them.
• Friendship relationships count just as much as “blood” relationships. Family relationships perhaps should be deeper than friendships, but I don’t automatically say they are just because of a family tree.

Relationships at bondChristian

bondChristian is a social project. Serving others, by definition, is about people. So relationships are important, perhaps more important here than at other Christian websites where the emphasis is more personal and devotional.

In a way, everything here is about relationships. Does that mean then that everything written here falls into this category? Not really. When you click the “relationships” category up top, you’ll find posts that deal specifically with one on one relationships:

• Jesus/person
• Husband/wife
• Parents/child
• Sister/brother
• Friend/friend
• Professor/student
• Employer/Employee
• Master/slave

And so on – you get the idea. Also, some of these include negative relationships (like friend/enemy) or any other combination of one on one interaction.

That’s what relationships here are all about. They’re about the one on one connection and interaction between people and how we cultivate them, not just romantic connections. (If you’re looking for articles about relationships involving more than two people, try the Church or Outreach categories.)

Friends and guest posts

While we’re on the subject, let me point you to a couple of my friends.

I found Justin Grice’s site, Christian in College, in 2008. At the time, I was a Christian in college, so that seemed like a sweet fit. I’ve enjoyed getting to know him on and off since then. This week I actually wrote a guest post for his blog called “The extraordinary opportunity for college friending.” Check it out, and get to know the site and Justin.

I hooked up with Landry Glaubemann just this past month. You might recognize him from the comments here. Last week, he asked if I would write some guest posts for his blog. I didn’t know if I’d be able to find the time to write many, but somehow it worked out. Landry lives in Germany and, as you might know, I’m in beautiful Louisville, Kentucky. It’s been a lot of fun connecting with him. You can check out the first three posts in my “Thankfulness Matters” series at his blog here:

• “Why we serve God“
• “What is thankfulness?“
• “The only meaningful response to receiving amazing gifts“

Serving Suggestions:

(1) What do you mean by “relationships”? Does your definition switch depending on the context? How? Let us know in the comments.

(2) Check out the guest posts and the sites. Leave comments. And enjoy your weekend.

• Learn how to trust your friend
• People pleasing vs. people pleasing: What’s the difference?
• What I’m learning from questions, Monkey Town, and questions about Monkey Town
• Learning from mY Generation: Stories on the art of listening
• Teaching kids (and yourself) to share