(Photo: db*Photography)

“Quiet time,” the Christian kind, not the nursery kind, gets a lot of press. We usually consider it a time to connect with Jesus through prayer and study and as a time to pause and reflect on how we’re growing in Him. I think most agree it helps us rejuvenate from our work with others.

The other day, Brett wrote about distractions that steal quiet time. In the comments, Danny said he doesn’t even try for personal quiet time but instead focuses on time fellowshipping with others.

I’m in the middle. I’m all about serving others, so I try to approach quiet time through an others-oriented perspective. Instead of focusing quiet time on me getting closer to God, I try to focus it on what God wants and how He wants me to serve others.

Also, I try to avoid taking quiet time at the expense of others – it’s always for the profit of others.

And – almost as though it was designed this way – an others-oriented quiet time indirectly does boost my personal relationship with Christ. The difference is my attitude going into it. It’s not about getting what I need – it’s about getting what I need to give others.

The Jesus model of quiet time

I try to go with an others-oriented quiet time because it’s the model Jesus seemed to promote with His life.

Quiet time was on His time

Jesus’s made quiet time from personal time.

We read of Jesus “withdrawing from the multitude” many times, but He didn’t interrupt His ministry for it.

“[Jesus] departed from there by boat to a deserted place by Himself. But when the multitudes heard it, they followed Him. . . And when Jesus went out He saw a great multitude; and He was moved with compassion for them, and healed their sick.” -Matthew 14:13-14

I don’t want to take an isolated passage out of context, but I think a general rule applies: serving others is default mode.

There’s always a temptation to put personal time with God above social time with others. How often have we heard, “My relationship with God is more important than my relationship with others”? That statement by itself is sound, but it implies that spending time with others is not part of our relationship with God. And that’s not accurate.

Jesus told us what God would say,

“Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren, you did it to Me.” -Matthew 25:40

And while we can’t take this too far (for example, we can’t worship people), I think it’s clear that serving others adds to our relationship with God, not subtracts.

So, for example, what’s up with the three hour lunch break for quiet time? How does breaking a promise to an employer to “draw closer to God” fit with Jesus’s example? I think Jesus would agree with the employer on this one: “do it on your own time. Wake up a little earlier – stay up a little later.”

Quiet time focused on serving others

As I already said, the Bible record quite a few cases where Jesus retreats from directly ministering to the crowd to spend time alone. But let’s look at what Jesus did during His quiet time. Two specific examples come to mind for me:

• Jesus praying all night before choosing His disciples
• Jesus praying in the garden before His crucifixion

Here’s the first example:

“[Jesus] went out to the mountain to pray, and continued all night in prayer to God. And when it was day, He called His disciples to Himself; and from them He chose twelve whom He also named apostles…” -Luke 6:12

That’s some intense quiet time. What do you suppose He prayed about? Pretty others-oriented if you ask me.

In the second example, we have a record of what Jesus prayed because the disciples where close by (though they eventually fell asleep).

• Jesus prays briefly for Himself, but it’s really all about how God will use Jesus to minister to others and glorify the Father through Jesus’s death on the cross.
• Jesus prays for His disciples, that God would empower them to share the gospel with the world.
• Jesus prays for the unity of all believers in Him, that we would realize God’s intense love for us as a group.

[Check out the whole prayer in John 17.]

That’s also intense, and the whole thing is others-oriented. It’s all about how the Father can use Jesus to serve others or how the Father can directly help others.

In each of these cases, Jesus’s “personal quiet time” focused on serving others. Sure, this might not always have been the case since the Bible doesn’t record everything, but I think it’s enough of an example to start following it.

Reworking quiet time

As much as preachers like the phrase, “your personal relationship with Jesus Christ” is NOT what it’s all about.

Jesus loves you personally and all, but you’re not the only one He loves. When we say, “Personal relationship,” we often mean, “Exclusive relationship.” And by exclusive, I mean isolated.

Praying, studying the Bible, and meditating take time. It’s not always practical to do them with others. So I do think quiet time is important and biblical.

But I want to spend more time fellowshipping with others than time isolated in study. And when I am alone with God, I try to focus on how I can share with others what God teaches me. That’s the model Jesus gave.

Jesus prayed in the garden…

“And the glory which You gave Me I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one…” -John 17:22

That sounds like a more productive and enriching quiet time, both for me and for others.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Spend more time with others. Unlock your quiet time.

(2) Shift the focus of quiet time. When you are alone, consider how God can teach and work through you to benefit others.

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The questions come up: “How do I connect in the a small group, Bible study? What does connecting look and feel like?”

I started attending small, Bible studies with my dad when I was nine years old. I didn’t contribute much then, but I did get involved. Those early days taught me a lot about connecting in small group, Bible studies (or even book studies). Even late last year, I used some of the following skills to connect with a new small group.

I hope you can benefit from some of these.

1. Commit to serve

Connecting is difficult when you’re looking for something for yourself. This way, you have to wait for others to connect with you on your terms. If you’re committed to serving others, you can switch around to connecting on their terms. It’s not easy, but it’s much easier than waiting for others to meet your needs.

2. Show up

Flakiness. What is it? It’s usually just not showing up. Sometimes it’s weird doctrine, but usually, most times, it’s just failing to show up. Showing up is what leaders, members, and God wants.

“100% of the shots you don’t take don’t go in.” -Wayne Gretsky

3. Prepare ahead

Formats are different for every group, but in general you’ll probably read something, whether it’s the Bible or a workbook or whatever. If you don’t know where you’re going, ask. Then do your homework. Show up with enthusiasm – show some initiative.

The more you know ahead of time, the more you can add – and the more connected to the group you’ll feel.

4. Bring snacks

Go above and beyond the call of small group duty. Get creative. What would you like someone else to do for the group?

5. Ask questions

If you’re reading ahead and doing your homework, you should be able to come up with some questions. You might not know the most about the Bible, but that’s okay. It’ll let you ask the questions. Even if you don’t ask them out loud, listen to find answers in the discussion.

6. Remind

I’ve already talked about gathering information ahead of time – but don’t overload. It’s easy to get lost.

I suggest focusing on one topic and finding it in everything. Remind of what you already know. For example, you might start with Jesus and His life-giving sacrifice. Where else in your study do you see examples of that? Do you see similarities between that and anything else you’re learning in the study?

7. Snipe someone

Pick someone off and get to know that person. Really well. Perhaps you could meet for lunch. You’ll feel closer to the whole group just by getting closer to one member of the group. Two are stronger than one and certainly more connected.

Don’t be creepy though. Make sure the other person feels comfortable with you.

8. Spill your guts

Confession hurts. You’ll feel uncomfortable doing it. But so will everyone else. Step up and lead. Tell everyone what you struggle with. Start with the person you sniped. Create closeness by letting your guard down. Watch others follow. Watch the connections deepen.

9. Support your leader

Someone always disagrees. Support your leader. Small group leaders are often inexperienced. They need your patience and respect – and it’s an excellent time to be the example and help others learn patience and respect also.

10. Learn to apply

This is difficult. That’s why so few do it – and why so many need to learn it. Start by throwing out assumptions. For example, stop assuming you know what it means to be faithful. What does it look like? What does it feel like? Answer these questions, not in generalizations for the group, but specifically for yourself. This will help you spill your guts too.

The whole goal in this is to give. That’s how to connect. Small group, Bible studies offer an excellent, training opportunity. Take advantage of them to build your serving skills. When you give, you’ll naturally connect with others. Everyone connects with someone who gives.

“…He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully.” -1 Corinthians 9:6

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Join a small group. Commit to it for eight weeks (or some definite amount of time). If you’re already “kinda, sorta-ish” involved, take this chance to recommit to the group.

(2) Come ready to serve. Try some of these listed here.

(3) What else would you add? What’s helped you connect in small group studies? Share in the comments…

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First off, I’d like to say I’m not disagreeing with Jason. The issues he raises are legitimate concerns. That’s exactly why I’m addressing them. I appreciate him mentioning them. Each is a silent problem – many of us feel them but don’t have a voice to speak up about them. Since we don’t adequately address the problems, we don’t know how to tackle them.

I’m going to respond to some of the issues here by making the audacious claim, as I often do, that the solution is others-orientedness. As a result, the lessons in this apply to most church involvement, not just small groups.

“You feel the pressure to plug in even when you don’t want to do it.”

Why would you not want to plug in? I see how you might feel this way, but usually the reason for not wanting to get involved is lame.

You’re supposed to plug into church to give, not to get. I have a hard time thinking of any situation where plugging in would hamper your giving ability. Most of the time, I’d guess the reason you don’t want to get involved is selfish. Selfishness eats us all. Sad (and harsh) but true.

If you really have a legitimate reason to not participate because the freed opportunity would allow you to serve in other ways, then it’ll be easy to speak to a pastor or other leader about it. Even though leaders want everyone involved in their programs, they certainly excuse members who have others-oriented reasons for not participating.

“When you get into a group, you feel like you have to stay in it.”

Yes, it is awkward getting to that point – perhaps that’s how it should be. Fellowship is a committed relationship. I’m not promoting manipulation tactics, but we have developed a habit of coming and going as we please in large congregations. That coming and going is just more pronounced in small groups.

Think of your small group as innocent until proven guilty – you participate until proven otherwise. That’s not what most members want to hear, I know. Again, though, if you have a legitimate reason for leaving, it’s not going to be that difficult to explain it to others. Leaders don’t like people giving excuses, but they do like excusing people who give. (And I’m not talking about money here.)

“You risk being negatively labeled by church leaders/other members.”

Church leaders label you that way because they join groups no matter what. They usually don’t have the luxury of choosing. I’m sure exceptions exist, but for the most part leaders are stuck with those they get.

Church leaders don’t always want the followers they attract. If you’re operating from a self-oriented perspective, you might not realize that. Church leaders put up with their followers whether they like them or not. They learn to like them. Why shouldn’t we expect the same for everyone else?

You can avoid negative labels by committing. Leaders and other members shouldn’t gossip about you – they should talk to you (that might be the pressure you feel to join or commit). But if you’re running around on the church, are you sure your leaders don’t deserve the warning? I mean, if a problem member were hopping around, wouldn’t you want your leadership to communicate about it?

My response in one sentence

In general, the answer to all these issues is to approach church as a place to give, not to get (have I said that enough already?).

I apologize if this post sounds callous – I realize I’m assuming a perfect world. Of course, not everyone lives an others-oriented lifestyle. Not everyone knows how to live that lifestyle. So far, I’ve only said what to do but left out how to do it. I’m going to followup, though, with a post explaining that, explaining how to connect in a small group study.

Bottom line: it’s not fair to fault the format (small group study or otherwise) when the problem is the people, as it usually is.

[Note: Jason also made a fourth point in his article: "Your church risks isolating members from leaders."

This is realistic. This does happen. This is a problem. From my perspective, Jason's dead on with that one. For that reason alone, small group studies might not be the best idea. For now, I'm leaving this open (I might address church leaders on it in a future post). Feel free to add your feelings about it in the comments.]

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Think serve. When you join or think about joining a small group (or participate in any church function), come at it with a servant’s heart. Consider what you can do to improve small group studies  instead of what you can do to benefit from them the most.

(2) Sign up for free updates via RSS or email or stop by again tomorrow to learn how to connect in a small group.

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