The art of tongue biting

And now I will write about a topic in which I have scant knowledge and even less genuine experience: the art of tongue biting.

Despite the Bible’s many warnings against unruly tongues, lips, and other mouth parts, I for a long time held a quite different view. This is the story of how it developed.

“Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit.” -Proverbs 34:13

Speaking the truth has always been a lofty ambition for me. Rumor has it, I got in trouble for the first time because I lied to my mother. In a way, you could say lying is my fruit in the garden – the temptation I can’t resist. Hence, the lofty ambition.

Over time, I’ve developed quite a skill in lying. I don’t go out of my way to lie, but whenever I do something I know I shouldn’t, I have an alibi – usually a lie. So for that part of Proverbs 34:13 – the straight-up lying part – I’ve failed miserably.

Lying has another side though: hypocrisy, the inauthentic side. This side creeps into life subtler than the barefaced lie.

I try to attack hypocrisy with a vengeance, which fuels my “never-bite-tongue” ideology. In many ways, I’ve overreacted to put authenticity in a new realm, the realm of rightness.

That’s putting it agreeably. More accurately, my passion for authenticity led me to develop a highly opinionated personality. I write it off as being authentic, as speaking my mind. In reality, it’s not authentic. It’s flapping lips.

But I thought I had my reasons:

1) I hate innuendos. I never want to slip into employing them to get my way. So instead, I speak directly, harshly even.

2) I hate indecision, which means I always decide, whether I know what I’m doing or not.

3) I want to be right. I don’t mean that in a purely selfish way, though it often turns to that. At a deeper level, since I’m decisive, I want to make sure whatever I think is absolutely right, or at least as right as possible.

These led to a few problems. Here’s the “don’t try this at home” part of the article.

First, since I avoid innuendos for myself, I became ruthless to people who exploit them. I judged others based on my standard, primarily so I would think myself authentic in comparison.

Second, I made lousy decisions all the time because I made them without knowing what I should decide, without waiting for the Holy Spirit to lead. I became dogmatic with my hasty choices. I figured, if you weren’t willing or able to argue your beliefs with me, why should I bother to pay attention to them?

Third, and this is perhaps the most important of the three, I elevated rightness to divine status. God defines rightness, not the other way around. But I didn’t live like it. I made being right a priority in my life. And by extension, I yanked most of the people I know into it with me.

How many times did I correct friends when they chose a weak word to articulate their thoughts? How many times did I argue to show the errors in their reasoning? How many times did I flat out say, “You’re wrong”?

…all in the name of rightness.

And even when no one asked for my opinion, I’d interject.

Me: “How are you?”

Friend: “Okay.”

Me: “Just okay? That sounds bad to me. Anytime you’re not wonderfully blessed, you’re living at less than you should. You should change your ‘okay’ response to something more powerful.”

My friend only replied, “Okay.”

Even at Bible studies (or should I say, particularly at Bible studies and in discussions about Christianity), I made it a point to correct any statements I didn’t agree with. Watch out, world, here comes S.E.S. Man (Set-Everyone-Straight Man).

This spilled into further criticism as well. If you asked if I liked a certain song, I’d tell you. If you didn’t ask, I’d still probably tell you. If I liked it, I’d praise it, but if I didn’t, I’d slash it to pieces. Hey, I’m being honest, remember?

Talk about peer pressure – my tongue offered enough to rival a small high school.

I think I understand a tad how Paul felt. He traveled about imprisoning and killing new Christians – including Stephen, the first Christian martyr – all the while thinking God enjoyed his work. I thought God needed kamikaze critics ridding the world of weak beliefs.

I was wrong. And I apologize to anyone on the other side of my criticism.

Yes, God calls us to sometimes explain how people are mistaken. But we should do so as a last resort. God puts off judgment as long as possible. We should too.

Yes, God calls us to expose the truth. But we should do so by appreciating first and criticizing second.

A lineman on a football team plays perfectly game after game after game, and no one notices. But the day he misses a block, he’s ridiculed and probably traded away.

A wife prepares meals perfectly day after day after day, and no one notices. But the evening she burns the chili, all complaining breaks loose (and maybe she’s traded away too).

“…See how great a forest a little fire kindles!” – James 3:5

The Bible contains dozens of references pleading for bridled tongues. Words organize thoughts. If the words we speak don’t glorify God, how can any other part glorify God?

Look at this promise:

“If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body.” – James 3:2

I’m all about that. Remember how much I wanted to be right? This verse tells you and me how to be more than right. It’s telling us how to be perfect – and it doesn’t come by telling everyone what’s right. Perfection more often comes by keeping the ol’ mouth closed instead of preaching up a storm… literally.

The more that tongue flaps in the breeze the more opportunity it has for error.

Why do Christians miss this so much? Are we completely oblivious to others?

I think the art of tongue biting is difficult to learn because it’s difficult to teach. Is your mentor going to say, “Watch me in this conversation as I DON’T speak”?

Tongue biting is a private pursuit. You get no recognition from a tongue well bit. You don’t go around bleeding on your neighbors, “Look, look… I bit my tongue.”

“Yeah, that’s disgusting. Go away.”

Only you and God know about it when executed properly. He knows when you keep from injecting that cute pun about Ashley or that final blow to Bret’s argument.

Tongue biting leads to results in others too, but these results usually go unseen because they’re gradual. If you and I withhold criticism, though, a spirit of appreciation will eventually spread to others.

A few weeks ago at a Bible study, I as usual found a passage I didn’t agree with in the book we had read. Normally I would have jumped at the opportunity to correct and reveal rightness. By the grace of God, though, I contained my speech.

It hurt to bite. For many of you this might not seem like much – and I commend you for that – but I struggled in that simple moment of self-control. Like a full bladder, the more I thought about it, the more difficult it became.

What I planned to say was accurate. But it wouldn’t have glorified God. It was all truth, but no tact, no grace to make it useful for those who would have heard.

Instead, as my mouth remained shut, the discussion morphed into a refreshing time of fellowship. If I had argued, it likely would have sank into an apologetics match. Thank God for His blessings.

Now, can I say this will be the case all the time?

No, tongue biting is an art. I can’t give you a universal rule for when or when not to bite. I can give you guidelines, some of which I have given already, but the real art is in understanding God’s will.

Perhaps that’s why it’s important to God: it’s one of those clear situations in life where we’re forced to follow Him.

Serving Suggestions:

(1) Find someone skilled in the art of tongue biting. I didn’t notice these people until I began to search. Now I do. When you look, you’ll find examples all around of people who surely could interject but choose not to. Why? Study these examples.

(2) Ask God to help you in this area. Maybe you don’t think you need to bite your tongue if you’re not the talkative type. If that’s you, you’re probably right. I’d still encourage you to consider it though. It’s not about the sheer number of words that leave your mouth. It’s about the percentage of those words that could be omitted to glorify God even more.